The Author's Corner: Articles worth Reading

                      STOLEN CHILDHOOD

by Linda Garner author of Some Secrets Hurt

No parent expects that their child will be sexually abused, yet the frightening truth is that one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before their eighteenth birthday.  Since parents cannot be everywhere, wise parents take opportunities to instruct and empower their children.  Here are some things you should teach your children about abuse.

  1. Teach children that they are in charge of their own bodies and that no one has the right to touch them inappropriately.  Children should know which parts of their bodies are private.  A simple definition of private parts is the parts of their bodies that are covered by a swimming suit.
  2. Teach your children what to do if someone touches them inappropriately.  Teach them to get away as soon as possible, and always tell.  Be aware that an abuser will warn your child not to tell.  Tell your child that telling is the only way to be safe.
  3. Teach your children to trust their feelings.  If something feels uncomfortable, there is something wrong.  Tell them they can talk to you about anything that doesn’t feel right. 

In addition to talking to your children about abuse, it is smart to cultivate an open relationship with your child and to talk about all sorts of things.  Be a safe person for your child to talk to.  Let them know that you are on the same team and that together you can always work things out.  This will develop trust and make it easier for them when they need someone to talk to. 

It’s important to know where your kids are and who they are with.  This isn’t controlling, it’s just smart.  Let your kids know that you want to know what’s going on in their lives because you care about them.  Trust your feelings.  If something doesn’t feel right, find out why.  The only thing worse than finding out that your child is being abused, is not finding out.

Always listen to your child, and always believe him or her.  If you find out that your child is being abused take steps to protect him or her from further abuse.  Report the abuse to local authorities and seek help from your family physician.  Counseling may be a good idea.  Though sexual abuse is devastating, healing is possible.  Support your child in the healing process.  Never blame your child.  Abuse is never the child’s fault.

Stolen childhood is everyone’s concern.  We are a community of caring adults. Let’s stand together.  Let’s stand up for kids.

Linda Garner
About the author
Linda Garner

Author Interview: Linda Garner, “Some Secrets Hurt”

April 26, 2011

Some Secrets Hurt, by Linda Garner; click to order from Amazon

Excerpts from an interview done by Linda Adams of KSL April 2011

Presenting my interview with childrens’ author Linda Garner.

Me: How did the idea to write this come to you?

Garner: The idea came when I watched a talk show on sexual abuse.  Two girls who had been abused were interviewed.  They were from different communities.  One was young, maybe six.  The other was a teenager.  Both girls had been sexually abused by a gymnastics coach.  Each coach had worked hard at becoming close to the family of the girl, and created for himself a position of trust within the family circle.  The girls were abused repeatedly over a period of time.  The damage was extensive. 

I was angry and I wanted to make a difference.  I felt it was time for adults to stand up for kids and stop pretending that it doesn’t happen here.  I knew that many adults never talk about sexual abuse with the children they care for.  It’s a dangerous game to play.  It’s like leaving a loaded handgun in the dresser without teaching kids about the use and care of guns, or the danger of playing with them. 

The dialogue on the talk show was particularly meaningful for me, because I had experienced sexual abuse as a child. 

No one ever talked to me about sexual touching.  No one ever told me that it was not okay and that if anyone ever suggested it, I should tell.  Children without that kind of teaching are at a greater risk for being sexually abused.  Not understanding what is and is not appropriate does not give them a foundation for taking care of themselves. 

I wrote Some Secrets Hurt to give parents tools for preventing sexual abuse.  I wrote Some Secrets Hurt to give children a voice.

 

Me: What can parents do to keep their kids safe?

Garner:
1.  Be a safe person for your child to talk to.  Let them know that they can talk to you about anything. 
2.  Talk to your child about sexual touching.  Make certain they understand what is appropriate and what is not.  Teenagers need this kind of dialogue as much as young children.  Your teenagers may be picking up incorrect information.  Don’t assume that they know what sexual abuse is if you haven’t taught them.
3.  Children cannot stop sexual abuse on their own.  They need help.  You cannot help if you do not know that something has happened.  Teach your children to tell you about anything that doesn’t feel right.  Teach them to tell you if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately.
3.  Know the warning signs of sexual abuse.  Check out anything that doesn’t feel right.  A change in relationships, eating habits, or sleeping habits can be a sign that something is wrong.  Withdrawal from friends and family can be a sign.  Unexplained sadness, anger, and fears are things to notice. In teenagers, there may be additional signs such as fear of dating, a desire never to marry, or in some cases, promiscuity, drug abuse, or self-destructive behavior.
4. It’s smart to know where your children are and who they are with.  It just makes sense to know what’s going on in their lives.  It doesn’t mean you don’t trust them.  It means you care.
5.  If you discover abuse, remain calm and be supportive of your child.  Thank your child for trusting you with this information.  Notify the local authorities.  Consult your family doctor.  Consider counseling.  Take steps to protect and validate your child.  The only thing worse than finding out that your child has been sexually abused is not finding out.

Me: What message or insight do you have to share with our audience today in closing?

Garner: Sexual abuse happens everywhere.  It happens in the best of families, and in the nicest neighborhoods.  It happens in every culture and in every religion.  It happens in rich families and poor families, educated and uneducated.  There’s no way to guarantee that it won’t happen to your child, but you can give your child tools, and you can give your child a voice.  You can start by talking about it.

For more resources, visit www.somesecretshurt.com where you can download a free Parents’ Guide.

KSL interview by Linda Adams